Divorcing A Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally draining experience. Whilst no relationship breakdown is easy, trying to come to agreements and arrangements with a narcissist can lead to heightened conflict, a more drawn-out process and an increased chance of an unfair settlement. As such, this situation requires expert advice to ensure the right strategic approach.

What is a narcissist?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition which means that people have an unreasonably heightened sense of their own importance. They need attention and admiration but may also lack the ability to understand or show empathy towards the feelings of others.

Narcissistic personality disorder can cause problems in many aspects of everyday life, including relationships, work and finances. In divorce cases, narcissism may present as delaying the process to maintain control, trying to manipulate decisions or using the children to influence discussions.

What are the common signs of narcissism?

If you think you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s helpful to understand some of the traits of this behaviour.

• A sense of entitlement
• Manipulative behaviour
• A need for admiration
• Lack of empathy
• Arrogance

Coercive and controlling behaviour

If the behaviour you are experiencing is coercive, controlling or abusive, this is a criminal offence and a solicitor can support you in understanding your legal options, such as non-molestation and occupation orders, to protect you and your family from harm.

6 Factors to consider if you’re divorcing a narcissist

The first step is to find a family law solicitor who has experience in dealing with high-conflict divorces and can devise a strategy to present your case.

• Educate yourself – find out more about this disorder to help you to understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses.
• Create boundaries – you cannot control other people’s emotions, but you can control your own. Your divorce solicitor may advise you to set a timetable or to issue court proceedings to move forward with your case. This might upset, annoy or disappoint the narcissist because they want to control you and the family law process. Your family solicitor is there to act in your best interests and to give you options.
• Speak up for yourself – you have legal rights and claims. The family law system is there to provide a fair outcome. In working with your family lawyer, be clear and concise.
• Stay calm – the narcissist’s tactic will be to pick a fight, criticise or gaslight you. It’s important to look at the reverse psychology. Why are they acting this way? It’s often because you are standing up for yourself and they are losing control.
• Create a support system – living with a narcissist may, over time, leave you feeling insecure, confused and doubting your decisions. Your family solicitor is there to help you make informed decisions, to answer your questions and to support you. It is also important to make sure you have a core group of family and friends to support you too. Consider bringing in a counsellor or a divorce coach.
• Communicate – this is a difficult point. Lack of empathy is a narcissistic trait, which means that attempts to have an honest or reasonable discussion may be shut down. As such, you should consider the best way of engaging with a narcissistic partner to come to agreements. In some cases, mediation may be a viable option but in others, the best route may be via the family courts.

Co-parenting with a narcissist

If you share children with your former partner, you will need to work out a way in which you can move forward as co-parents. This can be a challenge, but there are several steps you can take to make the process easier.

• Accept the situation – narcissistic behaviour won’t stop just because the relationship comes to an end. Accepting and understanding that will support you in finding a route forward as co-parents.
• Make a parenting plan – a family lawyer can help you create a clear and comprehensive parenting plan to ensure everyone is clear on what is expected.
• Put legal protection in place – a narcissist may attempt to control or undermine you by making threats related to child arrangements. There are court orders that can be put in place to set boundaries and ensure that this doesn’t happen.
• Focus on the children’s best interests – this is the cornerstone of children law cases. A narcissist will always look at what is best for them and not the children. Do not be drawn into pointless arguments or tactics. Instead, prioritise the children’s best interests over everything else and do not let negative feelings about the other parent cloud your decisions. A family solicitor is there to help you make informed decisions without becoming emotionally involved.
• Keep communications concise and clear – In family law, communication is key. However, this can be easier said than done when trying to make decisions with a narcissist. Calm, brief and composed correspondence will help to reduce conflict and prevent giving your spouse the reaction they are looking for.

How Maguire Family Law can help

At Maguire Family Law, we understand the challenges that come with a separation that involves someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Our expert family law solicitors can advise you on the best route forward for your particular circumstances and advocate on your behalf for fair outcomes.

We always recommend that clients in relationships of this nature document any text messages, emails, social media posts and other forms of communication to prevent gaslighting and build evidence should it be required.